Sundays...

Sundays are probably the hardest day for me. Of course all the other days are struggles in themselves, but Sundays are probably the most difficult.
And here is why.....

Rarely do I see a person walk into church by themselves. Everywhere I turn there is a couple walking, his arm around her. His hand in her's. Families together. I have my church family, and they are great, but they can't fill all the voids. Ryan is always with me when we are at church.

The mornings are alright, but once the afternoon sets in is when my mood and emotions kick in more.

For example, tonight at the service an ensemble went to perform a song on stage. They started singing, and all of the sudden I am in tears and they don't go away quickly. It was all from a song that they sung, a church song. Once I start it is very hard for me to stop. My mind thinks about Ryan. Us sitting together in church. Us worshiping together and studying God's Word together. Just his presence alone means more than anything. But, he's not there.
I begin to feel the feelings and emotions that I deal with, and in my mind I just keep repeating the words "I miss him so bad", and I begin to go into mad and upset mode.

Today after church I went to see a movie with some friends. I sat next to this girl I had recently befriended, she is dating this guy. They don't show too much PDA, which I can handle, but I saw them holding hands.....and that's all it took to spark me. "It's not fair" is my first remark in my mind. Now, given that they are not married, they haven't shared in the amazing wonderful times and moments that Ryan and I have shared as husband and wife, and when I think about that it makes me smile that we have that oneness and how special it is.
But needless to say, it still upsets me when I see couples all lovey dovey. Which is going to happen. I mean how do you think I am going to react when I see spouses act like that with each other.....not happy that's for sure.

I just keep saying to myself "You will get your husband back, you will get all of it back soon". "God let this happen for a reason"

And then tonight a lady, who I don't really like to chat much with because she tends to not think before she speaks says "It's like your single again". I immediately told her "I'm not single", and I said it with a little bit of attitude. I said it with a tone because that made me so mad that she said that, and I have heard another lady say it before. Sheesh.

But I do enjoy worshiping the Lord because He deserves it. I may not always be fully into it because of the rollercoaster of emotions I endure. But thank God I am normal, I have been told by all military wives. It's nice to know that we all experience the same emotions.