Project Goal List...

My Project Goals

Start a scrapbook of pictures from when Ryan and I met, up to today. Then as time goes on, keep updating it.

Paint our bathroom - CHECK

Find new lamps for our bedroom

Paint the front porch

Lose weight, exercise, eat better

Organize office

Sundays...

Sundays are probably the hardest day for me. Of course all the other days are struggles in themselves, but Sundays are probably the most difficult.
And here is why.....

Rarely do I see a person walk into church by themselves. Everywhere I turn there is a couple walking, his arm around her. His hand in her's. Families together. I have my church family, and they are great, but they can't fill all the voids. Ryan is always with me when we are at church.

The mornings are alright, but once the afternoon sets in is when my mood and emotions kick in more.

For example, tonight at the service an ensemble went to perform a song on stage. They started singing, and all of the sudden I am in tears and they don't go away quickly. It was all from a song that they sung, a church song. Once I start it is very hard for me to stop. My mind thinks about Ryan. Us sitting together in church. Us worshiping together and studying God's Word together. Just his presence alone means more than anything. But, he's not there.
I begin to feel the feelings and emotions that I deal with, and in my mind I just keep repeating the words "I miss him so bad", and I begin to go into mad and upset mode.

Today after church I went to see a movie with some friends. I sat next to this girl I had recently befriended, she is dating this guy. They don't show too much PDA, which I can handle, but I saw them holding hands.....and that's all it took to spark me. "It's not fair" is my first remark in my mind. Now, given that they are not married, they haven't shared in the amazing wonderful times and moments that Ryan and I have shared as husband and wife, and when I think about that it makes me smile that we have that oneness and how special it is.
But needless to say, it still upsets me when I see couples all lovey dovey. Which is going to happen. I mean how do you think I am going to react when I see spouses act like that with each other.....not happy that's for sure.

I just keep saying to myself "You will get your husband back, you will get all of it back soon". "God let this happen for a reason"

And then tonight a lady, who I don't really like to chat much with because she tends to not think before she speaks says "It's like your single again". I immediately told her "I'm not single", and I said it with a little bit of attitude. I said it with a tone because that made me so mad that she said that, and I have heard another lady say it before. Sheesh.

But I do enjoy worshiping the Lord because He deserves it. I may not always be fully into it because of the rollercoaster of emotions I endure. But thank God I am normal, I have been told by all military wives. It's nice to know that we all experience the same emotions.

Sometimes, patience doesn't seem much like a virtue ....

I have had to learn quickly to tolerate patience, I mean, more than I have had to in the past. I say this because God is teaching me the patience of waiting for an email, a phone call, even just a word from my husband. And of course the BIG patience of all, being patient and waiting for my husband to come home. And when you go from always seeing your husband and talking to him whenever and wherever you wanted to, needless to say, it is INCREDIBLY challenging thing.

BUT, even though I may only get a limited number of time to talk or see my husband, I am thankful for that. Though my attitude and feelings may seem upsetting or I may think it's "unfair", I know I need to transform my thoughts into thoughts of thankfulness and gratefulness. Every second I talk to my husband are the best moments in my life and I value him and our time together, as people value Gold.

Patience stirs up many emotions, especially in a woman.....especially in a wife! I have been going through every emotion you can possibly think of. Frustration, anger, irritation, jealousy, sadness, complaining, reality, and all others. But I think that God allows that to happen, so that we will fully rely on Him to take care of things. And God has been whooping my butt in all that.

And I will admit it, I hate that he is gone and away from me. I do, I am not going to lie. I am sure every military wife you would talk to, would say that they never wished for their husband to go overseas.

Aside from the fact that he overseas, I am very proud of my husband, and I love him with all of my heart, he is the most special man who always takes my breath away. He means everything to me and I will always be by his side. I love you baby!!

But I think my new word that I hate, is the word "adjustment". I think that is the word that Ryan hates the most as well.

Life is not like it used to be right now, but I know that is only temporary. And God has really been allowing a mess of stuff for me right now, but He has given me moments that I am very blessed to have. And thank God for the Military Wives. Military wives are incredible human beings, they are my new role models and I have turned to them soo much in this time right now, and I know I will always need to. The insights, prayers, and words of wisdom they have given me are in my blood now. So thank you Susie, Kim, Carol, Azalea, Peg, and the other wonderful Military wives I have the honor of being friends with.

Ry, I miss you so much and I love you with all my heart! I am with you always and we are in this together. I am so proud of you.

My Deployment Prayer

Dear Lord:
Give me the strength to say goodbye. Hold back the tear in my eye.
Cure my insomnia so that I may sleep alone. Give me a reason to awake when I’ve none.

Dear Lord:
Please help me pace myself. Allow me to turn to you for help,
And please let me be strong for him, Even if I’ve reached the brim.

Dear Lord:
Please make time go fast. I don’t know how long I can last.
This is the hardest time of my life, But this is my job: the Air Force Wife.

Dear Lord:
Let them all stay strong. Give them the will to go on,
And Lord, Please bring back all our men.

In the name of our country. Amen.